Betrayal

I haven’t been able to write. Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. The women’s husband sent me a facebook message.

Like I wasn’t dealing with enough right now.

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Hump Day, Lump Day

I feel like a fat lump.

So during this depressive state that I have been in, I developed a lung infection so I was prescribed Prednisone. I was taking what they call a “burst” of medicine, a high dosage over a shorter period of time. I felt like my head was going to pop off, probably from high blood pressure, a known side effect, I felt bloated and I gained about 5-10 lbs. I am guessing since I don’t have a scale and I stopped weighing myself a few years ago. So now besides feeling depressed, I feel fat and depressed! And..AND I find out that this wonderful drug can make one depressed!!

I am off the medication now. I still feel like an apple with legs. Now I have added “lose weight” to my “Things I need to do to get better” list. I am not sure where I will find the motivation to accomplish this goal as we know depression sucks any ounce of motivation we have in the first place. BUT I am determined 🙂 I will do this!

Tomorrow I go to the lab for blood work, checking my thyroid hormone levels. I also will be making an appointment to see my doctor for a follow up.

I have two more weeks before I have to go back to work which causes me anxiety but I may feel better about it as time goes on.

OK, I am rambling now Lol – Goodnight 🙂

With A Little Help From My Friends?

As I said previously, I am on medical leave from my work. I haven’t been at work since the end of February and here is the thing. Not one person from my workplace has called, texted, facebooked or tweeted me to ask if I am ok or even why I am not at work.  These are people I have spent the last 3 years with, 5 days a week. Granted only a couple of them are people that I have done any extracurricular activities with but that is because I am just not an extracurricular type of gal. Still, I am hurt.

When I first took leave, one of the guys at work had posted something on his facebook wall regarding how he wishes “everyone” was at work today so he had a chance to go home when we ran out of calls, which happens from time to time. Well the only person NOT at work was me!  I was ticked off.. this is a guy who claims to be my “buddy” yet he didn’t even contact me to ask what was going on, he just decided to post a snarky comment on his FB for all to see. So I texted him and said I take that message personally. At first he tried to deny it was about me, but again seeing as I was the only person not there.. who else would he be talking about?!

We got into a heated text-versation where he was judgmental and bordering on verbally abusive to the point I just stopped responding to him. At one point I said to him that I was sorry but this was not planned and next time I will try to plan my breakdowns around his schedule. He didn’t get it..didn’t take the hint, didn’t ask why I was missing work, didn’t ask if I was ok,  was just consumed with how I had ruined his day!!!

My faith in people has been shattered. People say they care but when the chips are down..do they really? This is why I have one close friend who I tell mostly everything to, who for the most part, I can rely on for moral support but she lives on the other side of the country so we have to deal with the time difference etc.

My daughter has been there for me %100, but she will be leaving to start her life in Japan soon.

My BF is there for me as much as I let him be.

Those are the only people that seem to really care. I am not even sure what I am expecting from people to show they really care.. but at least..touch base with me.. ask me if I am ok..is that really too much to ask ?!

My Goal this week: To make a list of what used to bring me joy and hopefully will resurrect my joy again.

Who am I?

29 years + 1 day. That is how long I have been a mother. Two of my children (my sons) have already left home and my last child, my only daughter is embarking on her own adventure starting in the next few months. She is going to Japan for 6-12 months and will possibly move there in the future.

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The reality started to sink in about 4 months ago. For the first time in my life I will be living alone. Sure over the years I have complained and joked about never having time for ME. Now that time is coming and I am terrified. To the point of depression and panic.  I guess it would be different if my children were only down the street but they will all be far away. I haven’t seen my middle son since 2010 since neither of us can afford to fly to visit each other. Also, I do not have any family nearby. I have a boyfriend, off and on (my fault) and very few friends. That, combined with possibly going through menopause and dealing with hypothyroidism on a daily basis has become all too much for me.

I have taken a short medical leave from work. I work in customer service. A brutal environment if you have mental health issues. Being yelled at everyday and having to put on a happy face can be trying at times.

Luckily I live in a country that will pay a portion of my wages while I am on leave so that I can take the time to sort myself out. I am going to inquire about counselling and try to get out in the world and just walk. It has been an epic winter where I live. We have only had 2 days over “freezing” in the last 40 days. I have become a hermit! Mostly because I developed a lung infection and was put on Prednisone (the worst drug ever) and all this AFTER quitting smoking 7 weeks ago! I feel like a hypochondriac.

I was told that journaling is cathartic so this is my attempt to put my thoughts down in words. Maybe make some new online friends and figure out my shit!

Genesis

I am not a writer. I am just an average 50 something. If you find grammatical errors on my blog I apologize.

Since turning 50 I have been experiencing many emotions. I am currently struggling to find my way. I suffer from depression and sometimes anxiety as well. I am hypothyroid and quite possibly on the verge of menopause 🙂 I am a few short months away from being an “empty nester” as well. All of this has compounded the depression which started in August when my older brother suddenly passed away.

I would like to document my journey through these shades of grey. One day at at time. That is all I can do.

depression