29 years + 1 day. That is how long I have been a mother. Two of my children (my sons) have already left home and my last child, my only daughter is embarking on her own adventure starting in the next few months. She is going to Japan for 6-12 months and will possibly move there in the future.
The reality started to sink in about 4 months ago. For the first time in my life I will be living alone. Sure over the years I have complained and joked about never having time for ME. Now that time is coming and I am terrified. To the point of depression and panic. I guess it would be different if my children were only down the street but they will all be far away. I haven’t seen my middle son since 2010 since neither of us can afford to fly to visit each other. Also, I do not have any family nearby. I have a boyfriend, off and on (my fault) and very few friends. That, combined with possibly going through menopause and dealing with hypothyroidism on a daily basis has become all too much for me.
I have taken a short medical leave from work. I work in customer service. A brutal environment if you have mental health issues. Being yelled at everyday and having to put on a happy face can be trying at times.
Luckily I live in a country that will pay a portion of my wages while I am on leave so that I can take the time to sort myself out. I am going to inquire about counselling and try to get out in the world and just walk. It has been an epic winter where I live. We have only had 2 days over “freezing” in the last 40 days. I have become a hermit! Mostly because I developed a lung infection and was put on Prednisone (the worst drug ever) and all this AFTER quitting smoking 7 weeks ago! I feel like a hypochondriac.
I was told that journaling is cathartic so this is my attempt to put my thoughts down in words. Maybe make some new online friends and figure out my shit!
Grey Shades of 50 